BART'S IMAGINARY FRIENDS
by EmbraceSadness
Summary: Sequel to "ARTEMIS'S STATE OF MIND". Bart continues on his journey in a quest to find Dick and bring him back. Along with a few imaginary friends, Bart sets off to finish what Artemis started, put Wally's soul to rest, and ultimately find himself. For Bart, the question is, will he succeed? Or, will demons from the past drag him down to hell with an iron grip?
1. Chapter 1

He looks around hesitantly before making a mad dash across the street and into the house. He carelessly sorts through the cupboards as he checks behind him constantly for anybody who might see him.

He finds a can of crackers, pries it open, and greedily eats at it.

Suddenly, he hears a commotion from behind him and the lights flicker on. He freezes as his blood runs cold. He slowly turns around and comes face to face with a shocked older lady. She narrows her eyes considerably.

" _Hey!_ You're that _kid-!_ "

That's all he hears, though, as before she can even blink, he is gone. He leaves behind a gust of wind in his trail.

He breathes heavily when he is a good few miles away.

That's the third time it's happened this week.

And it needs to stop.


	2. Chapter 2

Bart Allen is not just Bart Allen.

There are three parts to him. Or, at least, that's how he sees it. Three parts of him that each have their own voice and thoughts. Not multiple personalities, but characters that he has to play each and every day of his life.

There's the one most people know of, Impulse. The crazy, hyperactive speedster who runs about sharing smiles and laughs along the way. The carefree, tourist from the future. The one that nobody bothers to question.

Then there's Kid Flash. Kid Flash, who constantly bothers him at the back of his mind. A tiny voice edging him closer and closer to the depths of insanity. Kid Flash is a bother, a pain. He says that Bart will never be as good as _he_ used to be. That he is a failure in _his_ eyes. He feels bad when Kid Flash tells him this. Because, in the back of his mind, he knows it to be true.

And then there's Bart himself.

Bart doesn't know who he is. So, he doesn't describe himself.

Impulse is carefree. Kid Flash is aggressive.

And Bart is nothing at all.


	3. Chapter 3

After Artemis is caught, Bart is lost.

He's always been a little lost, but Wally completely throws whatever semblance he has left of having control of his life out the window. Artemis has also been affected deeply by Wally, and Bart knows that she's sad because of it.

Impulse tells him to cheer her up. Kid Flash says that she's as pathetic as him, if not even more.

Bart likes Artemis. She's nice.

But, she's gone now. He needs to move on.

It's the only way he knows.


	4. Chapter 4

Kid Flash bothers him a lot more than he usually does one night. He tells Bart that he has to find Dick. That it's the only way to redeem himself in Wally's eyes. Bart shuts his eyes and covers his ears but Kid Flash is persistent.

Bart gets the feeling he's not ever going away.


	5. Chapter 5

He feels bad for going through people's cupboards.

He's learnt that not everything can be dependant on Scavenger's Rights.


	6. Chapter 6

Back in his era, Bart was nothing.

He had absolutely no contact with the REACH whatsoever, other than the occasional passing by. He had no friends. No family.

He was quite literally just another slave.

No face. No name.

It seems preposterous that he would decide to go back in time and save the entirety of the world.

But he does.


	7. Chapter 7

He steals from grocery stores, from restaurants, from houses.

Steal. Scavenge. What difference does it make now anyways.

Impulse tells him that it's crash. Kid Flash tells him that it's wrong.

Sometimes it feels as though Bart has an angel and a devil on each shoulder.


	8. Chapter 8

He wonders if Wally would approve of what he does.

He wonders which Wally he's even referring to anymore.


	9. Chapter 9

In Bart's mind, there are two Wally's, clear as can be.

The first one is Wally. The one that sacrificed himself for the world. The one who ran to Antarctica and saved the day like a real hero would.

 _(I let him die, I'm no hero)_

This Wally was never close to Bart. This Wally barely even knew Bart, and Bart barely knew him.

The second Wally is Bart's Wally. The one he grew up with. The one whose smile was like the sun and whose face was as pale as the moon. Who's ups were mountains and downs were cliffs. The one who taught him to play guitar and saved his life on more than one occasion.

That Wally was his Wally.

Now Bart held the guilt of letting not only one, but _both_ die.


	10. Chapter 10

"How's it coming?"

 _You ready?_

"Almost finished."

 _No_.

"Wish I could go along."

 _You scared?_

"Sorry, only seats one."

 _Fuck yeah._


	11. Chapter 11

Back before they run away, Bart watches Artemis from afar. He knows she's having a difficult time. He also knows Dick is as well. People are always going to check up on the two.

They both resent that, Bart can tell.

Bart himself is approached multiple times by his friends, his family. They all worry about him. About how he's "taking it".

Bart feels like screaming at them all.

But, he doesn't.

He is silent.


	12. Chapter 12

He's never liked shrinks.

To him, they pry too much. They search with hungry eyes for all your secrets, all your thoughts. He hates that. He doesn't like when people search too much into him. It angers him.

He usually just says nothing.

Kid Flash says it's a waste of his time. That he should just walk out and leave. Impulse can't sit still long enough to form a coherent opinion.

But, Artemis and Dick are there. He supposes that helps, at least a little.

Black Canary is nice, from what he knows. He just doesn't like what she does. He doesn't like talking about his problems. He'd rather just keep to himself and figure them out himself.

Kid Flash says he doesn't have any problems, but that he is the problem. Impulse laughs.

Bart ignores them.

Then Black Canary tells them her idea.

And Bart doesn't think it's half bad.


	13. Chapter 13

"Call it ' _IMPULSE'S INCREDIBLE JOURNEY'_ " Impulse says.

"Call it ' _THE DOWNFALL OF BART ALLEN'_ " Kid Flash says.

Bart decides to go down a more cynical route…

He calls it " _BART'S IMAGINARY FRIENDS_ "


	14. Chapter 14

Bart spends most of his free time doing things to distract him from everything. He runs. He plays the guitar. He draws. He writes.

He doesn't write in the journal much. When he does, it's on random pages. Nothing's in order. Nothing is perfect.

Because Bart isn't perfect.

Far from it.


	15. Chapter 15

Impulse has been with him longer than Kid Flash has.

When he builds the machine with Nathaniel from literal flesh, tears, and blood, it is a long and dangerous process. He goes through with it because Wally's at the back of his mind. Because he wants to make him proud.

Nathaniel tells him that he can't reveal who he really is. That he can't tell them where he came from, really.

He has to pretend he's just the friendly tourist from the future.

Hence, Impulse is born.


	16. Chapter 16

Black Canary has begun seeing him for sessions alone. She says that she's concerned about Bart's mental health.

Bart can no longer play it off as Impulse anymore. He doesn't have the willpower to do so. He is quiet because he doesn't know what else to be.

Kid Flash whispers darkly in the back of his mind. Bart is like a puppet sometimes. Kid Flash tells him to do bad stuff. He tells him if he tells Black Canary, he'll regret it.

Impulse tells him to smile and be happy. Bart can't even do that anymore.


	17. Chapter 17

Black Canary gives him a bottle of pills. She says that it'll help him with his depression. Impulse doesn't like the pills. Neither does Kid Flash.

It's one of the first time they agree on something. Ever.

Bart accepts the pills. He is not one to disrespect his superiors.


	18. Chapter 18

When Bart takes the pills, he becomes more sullen. But it quiets the voices.

He kind of misses them.


	19. Chapter 19

Garfield asks what's wrong with him. He understands that Bart needs his space, but he's been too quiet lately. Bart says that he just needs some time. He says that things are hard right now.

He says anything that's not the actual reason.

These pills are doing something to him.

He doesn't know what to do anymore.


	20. Chapter 20

Dick hits Bart.

He's kind of shocked. Not because Dick hit him, but because he did it in public. Artemis freaks out and brings him to her home. To Wally's home. It's like Bart's just crossed this huge line, made this big jump. Impulse freaks out and runs about the place like mad. Kid Flash tells him Wally wouldn't want him in his home, and that Bart is intruding.

Bart kind of does feel like he's intruding.

Artemis cries for him, which is even more shocking. She says she's sorry even though it's in no way her fault (apologies are weird) and she tells him that she won't let it happen again.

Bart doesn't have the heart to tell her that it's not the first time it's happened, and it most certainly won't be the last.


	21. Chapter 21

It starts with a late night working and a spilt cup of coffee.

Funnily enough, Bart kind of asks for it. Spilling Dick Grayson's coffee at four in the morning is apparently not a great idea. Of course, Bart being Bart does exactly this. Dick doesn't even think twice when shoving him to the ground and yelling at him something or other about being a failure. A fraud. A fake.

Kid Flash agrees full heartedly. Impulse tells him to get up and hit back. His mind screams at him to move, but Bart tends to have a thing for not listening to people's rational advice, including his own. His heart ties him to the floor and he lays there and allows himself to be kicked in the ribs by Dick.

Kid Flash tells him that this is what he deserves. That Dick's suffering because of Wally's death, and since it's Bart's fault, he deserves this. Bart agrees.

Which is why he does nothing the entire time. Just allows Dick to do what he needs to do.

He hopes Wally's proud.


	22. Chapter 22

The beatings get worse and worse over time. Luckily, Bart has a suit that covers up a lot of skin. Even then, sometimes he has to stay back because Dick tends to aim for the face a lot. Blow after blow, and Bart takes it all.

Impulse screams and cries in pain. Kid Flash just grins.

It isn't really that big of a deal, though. Maybe if he writes that down, Impulse will see it and stop freaking out. Really, Bart's just doing what he can to help Dick out. Some try to comfort him. Others offer him moral support.

Bart is his human punching bag.

He can take a few hits if it means Dick gets better.


	23. Chapter 23

His thinking isn't flawed. Just different.


	24. Chapter 24

Opening the book to random pages is proving to be messy. Things are all over the place.

Bart doesn't really mind. Messy is kind of his thing now.


	25. Chapter 25

Cassie tries to sneak a look into his book. Bart slams it shut before she can. Cassie teases him and says he has a diary among other things. Kid Flash hums in agreement. Impulse yells and attempts to tell her that it's not true.

These two voices in his mind struggling to control his actions. This is why Bart stays quiet most of the time.

It would be better than unleashing those two on the world.


	26. Chapter 26

Bart doesn't like talking about the past. The future. His past.

To him, it's quite literally in his own past. It's done with. It's not happening again, because he's stopped it. Or stopping it. He doesn't really know.

Everything is a paradox, really. Bart's mere presence is going against the very laws of time and space. It makes no sense for him to be here, writing this.

But, he is.

Maybe he's fixed nothing. Maybe he's changed everything.

Bart doesn't like the things he can't change. Sometimes, he just wants to fix everything.


	27. Chapter 27

There's this old saying that he's always liked. His grandfather has always been a fan of it too, he knows that much.

Wally loved it.

Something along the lines of accept the things you can't change, have the courage to change the things you can, and the wisdom to know the difference between the two.

Wally once told him that he had survived most of his life-most of the apocalypse-with that key phrase in mind. He had lost so much, but was aware of the things he couldn't change, and was brave enough to try and change and fight like he did.

He was wise beyond his years.

Bart had looked up to him like the stars looked up to the moon.


	28. Chapter 28

Dick breaks Bart's arm.

He has to go to the hospital. He lies when they ask him what happened. Barry rushes over and demands to know what happened. He also lies to him. Barry's nice enough, but his soul is too kind to ever begin to delve into the charters of Bart's story.

Two different lies. One he fell down the stairs. Another he impulsively decided to try to fight some guy with muscles to the tenth power.

Impulse loves lying. He praises Bart on his perceptiveness. Kid Flash scowls and frowns and berates him on how much of a piece of shit he is for deceiving those around him.

Truthfully, Bart's lied so many times by now, he feels no guilt whatsoever when doing it. It's just a commonplace.

Just another daily sin in the life of the spectacular Bart Allen


	29. Chapter 29

He watches Artemis from afar most of the time.

She has this way about her that draws you in and can easily spit you back out if she has a bone to pick with you. She walks proudly in a way that says she will take nobody's shit. Her ponytail swishing back and forth. The way her tongue can slit others like knives.

She takes on Dick with ease, and won't roll over for anybody.

Still, Bart can see through all of it. Because, if there's one thing he knows about actors it's that they are not the characters they portray themselves to be.

Not to say that she isn't amazingly badass.

She isn't all that she pretends to be, though. She isn't herself.

But, then again, who is?


	30. Chapter 30

Bart goes a day without taking the medication. Impulse laughs and cheers and plays around all day. Kid Flash distracts him with angry words as he hides behind his own mouth.

Most of his time with these guys is the exact definition of bittersweet.


	31. Chapter 31

Dick's going at him again. Bart's just really tired today, and so he's not really paying attention as Dick continues on as he usually does. He's also not really paying attention when Dick shoves him against the wall and leans in to kiss him harshly on the lips.

He comes crashing back to reality pretty quickly after that, letting out a whine of protest and struggling in Dick's death grip on him. He eventually gives up. Because he's a quitter. Because it's what he always does.

After about a minute, Dick separates and leans his head down on Bart's chest, his tuft of black hair tickling him through the spandex.

"Wally." he murmurs, and Bart tenses up awkwardly. He doesn't know what to do or say. So he does nothing.

Doing nothing is becoming more and more of a thing for him…


	32. Chapter 32

He feels really weird about the kiss. He's almost scared to walk into the Watchtower.

He gets called for a mission.

There's always a mission.


	33. Chapter 33

People find it weird that Bart is the quiet one now. They also find it weird that Jaime's the loud, bubbly one.

Like they've switched places.

Bart's happy. Jaime deserves a happy ending.


	34. Chapter 34

It's less of a falling out and more of a rift between them.

Jaime Reyes and Bart Allen were inseparable at one time. The only problem being that that was more Impulse than Bart himself, and there was the whole " _World May End, Don't Let Evil Guy Out Of Sight"_ thing, and one thing lead to another and Jaime thought he was being used, and Bart tried to tell him the truth, but the truth sucks ass sometimes, he's usually better off lying.

To make a long story short ( _TL;DR_ is another way of saying it in this era, apparently), he and Jaime decided it would be better if they got some space.

Nobody abandoned anybody. There was no fight.

Just... _space_.


	35. Chapter 35

He plans to run the rest of the way to Mexico City. He doesn't have a car (super retro), but he does have legs that can move faster than the speed of sound.

Most of the time.

Bart runs on empty most of the time as well. Sometimes on nothing. Though he's used to it, it can still be quite difficult to pull off.

But he has to find Dick. He'll go to any measures-do whatever it takes-to find him. To bring him back.

For Wally. To finally put his soul to rest.


	36. Chapter 36

It's nights like these when Kid Flash stays up all night whispering thoughts into his mind and Impulse cries and cries and cries that Bart feels like cracking his head open and dumping all of it's contents out onto the floor.

His brain hurts.

It hurts.


	37. Chapter 37

Happy. Think happy. Because, not all of life is sad.

There's so much good to it.

Like Wally. Like Dick. Like Artemis. Like Jaime. Damian and Barbara and Lian, and M'gann's adorable little daughter from the future with the dimples that seem to shine like diamonds in the rough. Always seemed to shine like a diamond in a pit of ash.

Don't think about ash...that's not happy…

Bart wants to be happy, He really does.

He just doesn't know how.


	38. Chapter 38

On this first page that he writes on (this one), Bart doesn't really know what to say? Dinah gave him a book. Bart doesn't like reading or writing. Or this book, really.

But, maybe, it'll silence the voices in his head.

Maybe he can find himself once more.


	39. Chapter 39

"You're too quiet."

"They're going to suspect something."

Shut up.

"Make me!"

Said shut up.

"I love you."

Shut up.


	40. Chapter 40

Bart's aware that he's crazy. Grandma Iris had him tested when he was seven, he thinks. Max used to always joke about it, but he's sure it's the truth.

ADHD. Anxiety. PTSD.

Bart doesn't like letters. They hurt his brain.

He's sick.

He doesn't need to constantly be reminded of it.


	41. Chapter 41

He misses Jaime.

After he has a nightmare and there's that choking ash and cold, cracking armor. Glaring eyes and slicing grins.

And Wally's deathly pale green eyes.

When he wakes up gasping and trying to hold on to whatever piece of reality he can find, just to remind himself that it's not going to happen anymore. That it's going to be okay.

He misses Jaime then more than ever. Because he doesn't have anyone to confirm the truth in his words.


	42. Chapter 42

He's arrived in Mexico City.

Now to find Dick.


	43. Chapter 43

Cassie comes over one day. She brings Gar and La'gaan with her.

He's lying sick (maybe? Not really, though) in his room at the Garricks (he's still getting used to the fact that he even _has_ a room of his own) when Cassie mentions that they should probably go to the park.

Bart's confused. What's a park?


	44. Chapter 44

Parks are awesome.

Enough said.


	45. Chapter 45

Bart likes the park. He goes there every day, despite the fact that sometimes his friends aren't even there to go with him.

He likes the slide. He likes the monkey bars. He likes the seesaw.

He especially likes the swings.

He especially _especially_ likes when the wind whips through his skin and chills his bones as he soars over the bars that limit him, that keep him from the sky. Almost as though to say:

"Look. I can get through. I can make it there."


	46. Chapter 46

Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts…

What does he like?

The sky. He loves the sky.

And, super speed is a pretty cool power, but Bart's really always wanted to fly. Like Superman. Like Captain Marvel.

Where he's from, there isn't much of a sky. Just black. And emptiness. And quiet. But, here there are voices as soft as the wind and laughter like the promise of a church bell. Here there is space that is filled and people who make the most of every day and don't wonder about whether or not they'll be alive tomorrow. They just do.

Here, there are clouds. Here, there's a sun.

Here, there are stars.

They shine so bright, that his eyes begin to sparkle with a kindle of hope as he stares up at them in a broken awe.


	47. Chapter 47

Bart loves the sky.

He loves it, because the only time it ever breaks is at the crack of dawn.

And that's when it's true beauty shines.


	48. Chapter 48

"Get rid of them."

"I can't."

How many was he supposed to take again? Bart quite honestly forgets. Black Canary was always better than him at keeping track of things.

Correction: EVERYONE was always better than him at keeping track of things.

He's pretty sure he's had four. Maybe five.

Maybe nine…?

"Stop, idiot! You're going to kill yourself!"

Kid Flash. Always the voice of reason.

"They make me feel all weird."

Impulse. The voice of everything that was holy.

How many?

What was he supposed to count again?

Sleepy Sheep? Or pills?

One. Two. Three. Four. Five…


	49. Chapter 49

He feels bad about what he says to Artemis about Wally. In fact, he feels bad every time he even mentions Wally. This is because, in his mind, it's like Wally's untouchable. He's on some sort of pedestal or throne, and all Bart can do is bow down in the presence of greatness.

Bart is just the jester. He's not about to steal Wally's crown of thorns.

And, Artemis is the motherfucking queen, isn't she? She walks around like she owns the room because she _fucking_ _owns_ the room.

Bart's mind is like a royal chamber. His body, a castle.

But, he's just the jester. And the jester is only good for making people laugh.

Right?


	50. Chapter 50

Dick is really hard to find.

Bart looks everywhere for him (quite literally everywhere, because with superspeed you can actually do that kind of thing and not be exaggerating in the slightest of words, you know?)

He goes from one place to another. Back and forth. To and fro. But, it's the same results wherever he goes; no Dick.

It's like he's just wandered off the face of the earth.

This annoys Bart.


	51. Chapter 51

A dream.

This choking ash and a blinding vision. Heat and red. Sounds and noise and a static at the back of his mind. Images flash in front of his eyes, making his breath quicken and stomach churn unrelentlessly.

Kid Flash laughs. Impulse whimpers.

And that scene playing out in front of him again. And again. And _again_.

His Wally. _His_ Wally, and his cold, dead eyes. Because, he is dead.

He dies over. And over. And _over_.

And Bart is powerless to stop it.


	52. Chapter 52

Artemis does something weird.

After that nightmare, she wakes up and comforts him. She wraps her arms around his side and whispers comforting words in his ear. She might even sing a lullabye at one point.

The jester and the queen. Is that even allowed?

And when the insomniac wakes up in her arms, he simply holds her closer. He holds her close and breathes deep breaths. Thinks deep thoughts.

No thoughts a thirteen-fourteen year old should ever have to think.

But, Artemis smells of wet tears and a stench that reminds him of home. So, despite the elbow digging into his side, he holds her so tight that it's as though she'll break if he dares to let go.


	53. Chapter 53

Writing in the book makes him feel stupid.

As though his problems are that important. He sounds like one of those "emo" teenagers that Jaime sometimes goes off about that listen to MCR on full blast and wear weird, black lines around their eyes (he once thought it was war paint, Jaime had a good laugh at that one…)

The thing is, Bart doesn't really want to be fixed?

Because, what if he can't be? What if he's just like this because he is? Coming from an apocalyptic future might do that to you, right?

But, the thought of other people reading this kind of makes him feel sick. Because, he doesn't want them to think that he's some attention seeking, stupid little kid who grew up listening to MCR on full blast wearing those black lines and complaining about his problems to everyone who would listen.

Bart doesn't want to be different. He doesn't want to be normal, either.

He just wants to be _him_.

Except, like most things in his life, he doesn't know _how_.


	54. Chapter 54

There's a Nightwing insignia on a wall.

It's midnight and it's cold and dark and Bart's starving so he finds himself a package of chips and starts digging in when he spots the blue and black bird on a wall. He promptly chokes on his potato chips, rushes over in a spark of lightning, and stares at it flabbergasted for the next five minutes.

Then comes to write it all down in this book.

He doesn't really know what to do? It could just be some random graffiti artist painting a picture or whatever, but he doubts anybody here in Mexico knows of the masked, unpopular hero way back in the small city (town? place?) of Blüdhaven.

It's got to be a sign. A hint.

So, Dick _wants_ to be found?

This just got a hell of a lot more confusing.


	55. Chapter 55

Bart spends the next few days trying to track Dick down. That insignia on the wall has to mean something. He knows it does!

He doesn't write in this book very much.

He doesn't know the next time he will write in it.


	56. Chapter 56

Artemis makes him feel good.

Makes him feel crash.

The kind of crash that makes Impulse smirk with the hugest grin on his face. The kind that makes Kid Flash scowl and brood in a corner. Impulse jokes that Kid Flash is like a moody Khaji Da, and Bart can't help but smile at the mental images that precede him afterwards.

A smile. An actual smile.

Something he could never envision himself wearing.


	57. Chapter 57

Bart likes smiling.

He likes hugs and kisses and laughs. Things that come to people so easily. Things that some even take for granted.

Impulse is great at smiling. Kid Flash more smirks than anything.

But, Bart doesn't smile.

He'd like to, but sometimes it's hard to even let the middle part sag. To allow that little laugh to bubble up. He supposes it's because he's been taught to always keep his emotions in check. His smiles aren't supposed to be up on his face because then someone will steal them away and act like they're scavenging it. Like it's completely fine.

Bart's had a lot taken from him. But never his smile. Never that spark inside him that allows him to light up like a christmas tree and laugh like the summer that never ends.

It's why he's afraid to smile. Because he's afraid that someone will make off with it if he does. Bart likes that little spark inside of him. He likes that small smile he can sometimes have.

He doesn't _want_ anyone to steal it away.

Better safe than sorry.

Better to be emotionless than empty; than bottomless.

Bart _really_ doesn't want to be bottomless…


	58. Chapter 58

It's as though Artemis has a collection of smiles hiding up her sleeves. And her laugh is like a plague; undoubtedly contagious.

He knows Artemis won't steal his smile.

She'll just give him an extra one from her collection.


	59. Chapter 59

Back in his era, Wally always used to talk about Artemis.

"She was so beautiful, you should have seen it, kid!" he'd exclaim, and would grin down at Bart's too-freckled face and wide, green eyes, "Not only that, but she had an attitude. She didn't smile much, but when she did... _hot damn_ , those small grins were _all_ reserved for me."

And then he would get a far away look in his eyes and stare out the window at the dark and desolate future before them.

"She was the love of my life. You don't let somebody like that get away, kid. _Never_."


	60. Chapter 60

Artemis dies from breast cancer at the age of forty-eight.

She leaves behind two children and a widowed husband with a broken heart.

It's sad, because everybody knows that she would have preferred to have died in battle. Fighting for her rights against the REACH. Against those who limited her.

But, it was cancer that took her ultimately.

And she is absolutely powerless to stop this raging disease.

They all have to simply watch and wait as she slowly but surely withers away until she's nothing. Watch as petty promises of cures and treatments are offered, but none actually given. Bags under her eyes and a tint of softness in her hard features. Artemis begins to sag. To lack.

And then she becomes nothing at all.

Like flowers. Like the ones he had sometimes seen on the desks of people who were sick. Because they believed that if you took something beautiful and cut it from it's source, and then stuck it in a glass of water by the clear window in the corner of the room, it was going to live. Going to be okay.

People are sometimes weird. They cling on to a hope that's not even there to begin with.


	61. Chapter 61

Wally used to say that there was always a reason people died.

"When you pick flowers, you pick the prettiest ones, right?" he had used to argue. Bart would then say that he had never picked a flower. They didn't have many of them in his era. He didn't even go outside the walls of his own home very much.

"Well," he would try again, "When God needs to put his problems onto someone, he gives them to his strongest children, because he knows that they can deal with it. And, if they wither away, then they rejoin him to become angels in heaven." Bart responds to that with the obvious answer of he doesn't believe in a God, or angels, or heaven. He's not religious, because where and when he's from, there's no need to be.

Each reason Wally comes up with, Bart manages to find a way to contradict him.

So the main reason Wally gets annoyed at him is because he can't answer that dreaded question. Why do people die? Why are people afraid of death? What happens when you die?

"I don't know." Wally starts responding instead, and soon enough, Bart stops asking questions of his relative all together.


	62. Chapter 62

Dick calls him Wally now. Whenever he can, that is. In public, he tends not to notice him. But, when they're alone, he refers to him as Wally. He mumbles things under his breath. He makes inside jokes that Bart doesn't understand, because he's _not_ Wally.

He's starting to think that maybe he should ask Black Canary what kind of drugs Dick's on…

Maybe it's just the Kid Flash uniform. Sometimes, people give him a sad look as he walks past. It makes him want to go running back to Impulse.

But Kid Flash whispers in his ear that that would be like betraying Wally. Insulting all his teammates. He's Kid Flash now, not Impulse.

He's not even Bart. Because Bart is nobody.

He thinks.


	63. Chapter 63

Slowly but surely, Impulse begins to slip away.

It's _slow_ , but as he attempts to track down Dick, he hears his voice less and less. He feels less impulsive. Less jumpy. Kid Flash simply smirks as Impulse withers away to nothing.

He gets quieter and quieter. Until he's nothing at all.

And just like that, the three that once were become two.


	64. Chapter 64

Bart can't read.

This may seem like a bit of a contradiction, considering he's writing in this book right now. But, Bart still can not read. Even writing can be a difficult task, which is also another reason to despise writing in this book.

It's not like he doesn't understand the words. 'A, B, C, D…'. Seems pretty straight forward.

But, when he turns to look at something that is actually written down...his mind just _blanks_. The words don't make sense. They're all blurry. And, no matter how long or how much he stares down at it, it still makes little to no sense to him in the end.

So, yes, he can write. But, it's mind numbingly difficult, and it feels as though with each word he's falling into a pit he can't escape from. Endless pit. Falling pit.

Sure, it limits him. But, Bart's never liked reading very much anyways. It's quite boring.

But, he can't help but feel a tiny bit bad when Artemis asks him to do something, and he has to say no, because he physically and mentally can not do it.

Artemis doesn't deserve to be said no to; to be lied to.

She's the motherfucking queen, after all. Who is he to go against her?


	65. Chapter 65

He's finding more and more of Dick's symbols. Almost as though they are some sort of path, leading him to his needed destination.

Blackbird. That's kind of what Nightwing is. The only reason he says this is because he knows there's a song like that in this era.

'Blackbird singing in the dead of night. Take these broken wings and learn to fly.'

Yeah. That's it.

Bart likes that song a lot. He likes lots of music, too. Different types. Different sounds. He didn't really have music in his era. But, then again, what did they have in his era?

The music is refreshing. It's something new. And Bart may be a crap singer, but he likes the soft and harsh melodies that can emerge from people's voices. It's something so amazingly crash.

Grife, Bart loves sounds.

'You've only been waiting for this moment to arise.'


	66. Chapter 66

Sometimes he thinks about Nathaniel. It usually comes up when he thinks about what he has left behind in his wake. This legacy; this breaking prophecy that drags him down and ties his tongue whenever he tries to fight it.

He knows what happens to those who defy the REACH.

He's seen what happened to Wally. _His_ Wally.

He knows Nathaniel is most probably dead. Or tortured. Or in pain.

The worst part is he doesn't _actually_ know.

That kills him inside.


	67. Chapter 67

Bart's working in the dark.

There's a shadow over his eyes, blocking out all the light. He can't see more than what's ahead of him, and even then his vision isn't that great. Bart's used to knowing what he's up against. He's used to knowing in general.

The thing being that Bart doesn't know what he's done. Or, more so that what he's done-if he's even done anything, he doesn't fucking _know_ -has actually had any effect on anything. He's saved Nathaniel. He's saved Barry.

But has it helped? Has it done anything?

He thinks he's helped Jaime, but if so, then why is he still here? Why would he have come back? Would he have even disappeared? But, Bart still carries the scars and memories from a yesterday that he doesn't know even exists anymore.

Why does he exist?

Philosophical shit. Sad shit.

Getting off this topic. Leaving now.


	68. Chapter 68

Bart finds a swing.

He swings there from sun up until sun set. He doesn't stop for one minute.

He wants to reach up and touch the clouds. To bathe in the light of the sun.

He's going to save the world. In extension, all the clouds and the sun.

And the swings.

Bart Allen is going to save the world from a REACH Apocalypse so that he can save the fucking swings.


	69. Chapter 69

Left so many people behind. Sorry.

So, so sorry.


	70. Chapter 70

Another nightmare. About Wally. About his death. Gruesome detail. He breathes, and clenches his jaw tightly.

"You let him die." Kid Flash whispers, his eyes like piercing black buttons from that weird movie, Coraline. His smile is more of a smirk. Sharp teeth and an even sharper mind.

Kid Flash holds him down. Choking. Blinding. He can't move. He clenches his jaw even tighter.

"You let him die. Not just once, but twice."

More.

"He hates you, you know?"

More.

"How pathetic can you be!"

Even more.

"Some savior you are. You call this being a hero? You're just fucking around."

More, more, more.

"You're lucky I keep you around."

"You _waste_ of _space_."

"You think he ever really _loved_ you?"

"Even your own _mother_ didn't want you."

"You killed them _all_."

"Blue's not the monster. _You_ are."

" _Murderer_."

Please stop.


	71. Chapter 71

It's decided.

He misses Impulse.


	72. Chapter 72

What's wrong?

Here's a list:

World's going to end in a REACH Apocalypse. Ton of flames and smoke. No idea how to stop it.

Wally's dead. Again.

Lonely?

Artemis may or may not be freaking out. She doesn't deserve that. At all.

CAN'T FIND DICK

NEED TO FIND DICK

Impulse is gone

Kid Flash is annoying as hell

Everything

Anything

Bleh


	73. Chapter 73

When some guys corner Artemis and begin hitting on her until they _actually_ start _hitting_ on her, Bart just loses it.

He doesn't show it, but he's pissed off to the moon and back. He knows she can take care of herself, but he can't help but lash out at the guy that dared to even lay a finger on her. That dared to touch a hair on her head.

And just like that, the lousy jester becomes a knight.

He doesn't know how authentic of a knight he is, though. Artemis has yet to actually knight him. To tell him good job.

She simply tells him to be safe. To be careful.

Bart has to then resist the urge to punch her as well.


	74. Chapter 74

Being angry can suck sometimes.

Being sad is even worse.


	75. Chapter 75

He's stopped taking the pills.

Kid Flash is even more bothersome this way, but Bart finds that he can't deal with the burning sensation in his stomach and the way it makes his head feel like he's on a castle made from clouds. Pure, one hundred percent clouds, for your money back, guaranteed!

That's a funny thought.

But, yes, he's stopped taking the pills. He has no idea how this is going to affect him. If it even will have an effect. Hell, he may even be letting Dinah down.

Or Wally. He does that all the time, though. Nothing new.

Bart feels more in control this way.

He likes that.


	76. Chapter 76

Hanging out with Jaime has done nothing to help improve his Spanish skills.

Bart doesn't understand half of what goes on around here…


	77. Chapter 77

Before Dick runs off, something happens.

Bart wakes up in a place that is not his bed (his bed?), and panics. Though Impulse screams at him to run away at a million miles per seconds, Kid Flash calmly and rationally tells him to get up and search his surroundings.

As he does this, Bart runs into a very focused Dick. Dick, who is sitting at a table, staring off into the distance.

It doesn't take a genius to figure that he's in Dick's apartment.

But... _why_?

Bart decides he doesn't want to stick around to find out. He's halfway to the door when Dick speaks up.

"I'm going to save him."

Bart's wide, green eyes meet Dick's cold, blue ones for a split second. His gaze is piercing, like he's thrown a hook through Bart's pupils and is baiting him in with all that blue water.

Blue, _blue_ eyes.

"I'm going to save him," Dick repeats, an almost determined look on his face, "I'm going to save Wally."


	78. Chapter 78

Bart decides not to tell Artemis about this when they finally do arrive at Dick's. When they find all that information about everything.

He gets the feeling he should.

But he doesn't.


	79. Chapter 79

A long time ago, millions of miles away, Bart isn't so sad.

In a house covered with ashes and death and decay just around the corner, they manage to find peace and tranquility in the stale air. In the bloody massacres they find hope.

In the evil they find good.

In Wally's smile he finds good.

It's here in this safe and cozy environment that Bart learns to walk, to talk, to smile, to balance on eggshells, to play guitar, to cry, to scream, to fight, to live his life.

Here he's not a low life. Here he is Bart.

Here he is somebody.


	80. Chapter 80

The night is dark and cold, and Bart's breath stains the fragments of time itself. He smiles stupidly into the night, because the stars are pretty, and why not? He smiles for Artemis. For Jaime. For Dick. For Impulse.

For Wally.

The stars are brushed onto the canvas of the night. His heart floats up with his breath, and the clouds accept him willingly. Shadows are lurking out to touch him. There is a ghost behind him. It breathes up his neck.

Bart decides, for the first time in a long time, to ignore Kid Flash's voice.


	81. Chapter 81

He remembers Jaime's hands more than anything.

On the nights where it's cold and he stays up until dawn (like, Dawn and Don? Hah!) remembering his face, his breathing, his smile, his frown.

And his hands.

Jaime's hands were always warm. Warm and calloused. Bart liked when Jaime's hands reached out to touch his own. When they ruffled his hair or tugged at his bare shoulder.

There's such a difference between Jaime's soft, warm hands and The Blue Beetle's cold, hard ones.

Not that Bart's ever felt The Blue Beetle's hands, but when Jaime's armor touches him, a shiver runs through his spine. He knows Jaime sees. Jaime tries to keep out of the armor the most he can around Bart, but even then…

Even then, Bart loves Jaime's hands, as weird as it sounds.

It's the only touch he can really stand.


	82. Chapter 82

Bart remembers walking around, searching for more Nightwing insignias, when he sudennly feels somebody grab him from behind. His arms are ceased and there is a knife on the pale, sagging skin of his neck. A hand like an inhibitor collar.

Bart panics.

A group of people is crowding around him, and they shove him to the floor, and they're all grinning with knives and daggers, and Bart is terrified for his life.

Then, they knock him out.


	83. Chapter 83

Bart wakes up with a cut running across his chest in a smooth, straight line. Red fluid leaks from his insides, a trapped Flashboy finally bleeding out and falling to the cool grounds below. Bart runs his fingers over the redness softly, hand shaking and teeth chattering.

No hospital for him.

He gets up and puts his shirt back on, eyes tired and mouth lacking the words to properly describe the situation he has found himself in. The sky looks like an ashy grey for a moment, and Bart is transported back to a time where this kind of thing is a normal occurrence, and hospitals don't exist, and neither does happiness.

He comes back from it, though. That place doesn't exist anymore. He's destroyed it.

He needs to let it go.


	84. Chapter 84

The cut leaves a nasty scar. It may even be infected.

Bart doesn't mind. He kind of likes it.

Maybe it'll remind him that he has to stay grounded to this place and not the nightmare in his mind. Maybe it'll help him stay here, and not go there.

Maybe…


	85. Chapter 85

Nightmare. Nightmare. Nightmare.

It's always the same thing. Always that same look on Wally's face. Always the same scene. Always the replaying of that death. Always, always, always. Bart is haunted by Wally's death. Not the one from this time, but from another long forgotten. And, no matter how much he tries to run or hide from it, it won't leave him alone.

Bart can run, but not from his own mind. His own memories. His own past. His own mistakes.

Bart wants to shut his eyes and forget it all. But, the scene replays behind the darkness of his eyelids.

He can't escape it. Not ever.


	86. Chapter 86

Kid Flash is back and as prevalent as ever.

He disappears for a while there, and Bart stupidly puts his guard down. He isn't expecting it at all when Kid Flash returns with that dumb grin of his and nails that drag him down to the pits of hell.

"What did you do to Impulse?"

The question falls from his dry throat before he can stop it. Kid Flash stares at him in disbelief before he bursts out laughing. Bart finds himself hating Kid Flash more than ever. This force in his life that he can't get rid of. He's like that dream. Haunting him. Never stopping.

Kid Flash grins and cups Bart's cheeks in his hands.

"Oh, honey. You're the one who killed him, sweetie. You stopped smiling. That was all that stupid, little boy was good for. You stopped smiling, and you killed him. Don't you see? Don't you understand?"

Bart does. He nods his head and tries to ignore the sick feeling bubbling up in his stomach, but Kid Flash is as close as Dick was that one time and Bart's mind is sparkling like a flash of lightning. He shoves Kid Flash away and shuts his eyes tightly.

No point in denying it. He killed Impulse.

"No point in denying it, darling. You killed Impulse."


	87. Chapter 87

Not the first person Bart's killed. Not the first person he's let down.

Impulse joins Wally on the other side. The two stare down at him in disappointment.

And Kid Flash grins. He always grins.


	88. Chapter 88

Food is hard to come by these days, so Bart's stopped eating. Kid Flash says nothing to this. He doesn't even smile. There's a look in his eyes, and Bart can tell he's plotting. He tries to ignore it, but the look Kid Flash gives him sometimes sends shivers up his spine.

Bart's dealt with lots of things in his life. He can deal with not eating for a couple of days.

Apocalyptic futures kind of prepare you for things like that…


	89. Chapter 89

Every once in awhile, Bart will get lost. A Nightwing sign always brings him back.

Dick's leading him somewhere. Bart's not stupid, he knows this. His heart balances on the edge and he wonders if he'll fall in.

Will Dick be happy to see him? Or, will he have been expecting Artemis? Will he be angry? Will he be sad?

Bart hasn't really put much thought into what will actually happen when he finds Dick, since he's not sure he's even going to find him.

They're not just going to walk back to the Watchtower hand in hand, are they?

No. No, they can't.

Bart's pretty sure he's prepared himself for every possible thing that could happen. And, if not, he can always just run away at the speed of light.

Run and hide like he always does.


	90. Chapter 90

That last entry was stupid. Bart knows this now.

He's not running away this time.

No matter what happens, he's finding Dick.


	91. Chapter 91

The only time he ever meets the Dick of his era is when Wally and he are fighting over some stupid thing that's so insignificant, he can't even remember it.

Angry voices carry out through the doorway and into the kitchen where Bart is hiding. Wally yells that Dick is losing it. Wally yells that Dick isn't welcome here. Dick yells that that's bullshit. Dick yells that blah, blah, _blah_.

Their voices are static in Bart's mind. He focuses on eating his bread and butter.

Wally storms to his room through the kitchen and slams the door so hard, the entire world rattles. Somewhere miles away, the Blue Beetle shakes at the sheer force of that door closing. Somewhere miles away is where Bart wants to be. Not with Blue Beetle, but far away nonetheless.

Bart counts the seconds in his head. He's taking five bites of his bread. Four sips from his water. Wally slammed the door five minutes, twenty-four seconds ago.

Dick walks in and sits down at the chair across from Bart's. He lays his head down and weeps. Bart stares in shock as Dick Grayson, the Batman of his time, weeps like a small child. In the other room he can hear Wally sobbing too. The two have worked so hard to get to this point, and everything is falling apart.

Bart doesn't blame them for crying. It's not easy for them. They weren't born into this like he was. They have memories from another world entirely.

So, Bart reaches out a hand and pets Dick's hair softly. And Dick cries beneath his touch. When Wally finally comes out again, he walks over to Bart and hugs him so tightly that Bart's pretty sure he's stopped breathing.

He is the middle of a Wally n' Dick Sandwich Extraordinaire.

Dick and Wally eventually pass out like that, practically draped over a small boy. When Grandma Iris walks into the room, her hand jumps up to cover her mouth in a show of silence and shock.

Bart doesn't remember falling asleep that night. Only the sadness in his grandmother's eyes as she carried him off and away from the room.


	92. Chapter 92

Bart only meets Dick once in his timeline.

And, he thinks, it must be one of the saddest meetings ever.


	93. Chapter 93

When writing Artemis the letter, Bart doesn't know what to say.

He thinks that she deserves one. To know that he's okay. That everything is alright. Well, actually, scratch that last one. Not everything is alright. Not at all.

But, she still has the right to an explanation. The right to know that he's...well, _alive_. So Bart forces himself to sit still for more than a few minutes and scribbles down a note that he thinks will work.

He tears the first paper from erasing so hard. He has to restart with a new one.

He eventually decrees one of his letters to be fit for sending to Artemis. He finds a post stop under Kid Flash's direction and places the letter carefully into the mail slot, before slipping out without being seen by a single soul.

Bart is the darkness. Bart is the night. Bart is Batman.

Now, to find a Robin...


	94. Chapter 94

Sometimes, Bart just knows things.

Like, they come to him. Kind of like reflexes, or instincts, maybe, but kind of not. It's more of a voice in the back of his mind screaming in whispers to him. That voice knows everything, but even when Bart strains to hear, he doesn't usually catch anything.

So the bits that he does catch he listens to.

It's for this stupid reason that Bart exits the car when he does. And why he walks a good few feet away and stares at it from afar for a while. Stares and stares and stares, until the cop cars come rolling up and the heroes flying down. But by this point it's too late to even try to do anything. He watches as they call out for Artemis. He watches as she runs by. He watches as she falls to the floor and screams a scream that yanks open the holes in his heart and stabs a million needles into him at once.

Bart can't look anymore. He turns away.


	95. Chapter 95

It's just another person he's failed. Nothing new.

Artemis's scream adds itself to the list of things that will forever haunt the empty shell of Bart Allen, Savior Of Humanity And The World.


	96. Chapter 96

Bart finds a park swing and sits down on it. His stomach growls in a howl up to the bare moonlight that shines down on him.

He wraps his arms around the chains and tries to push himself forward, but finds that he doesn't have the strength to. Kid Flash examines him from afar.

"Maybe a good night's sleep will make it better?"

Good idea. Bart likes sleep. He'd like the earth to swallow him up to it's core and lay him down on a bed made from rocks and thorns so that he can sleep through a million years in blissful silence.


	97. Chapter 97

Sleep. Bart wants to sleep. He finds the ground to be very comfortable, actually. So, basically, Bart's hit rock bottom. Metaphorically and literally.

There hasn't been another Nightwing insignia in a while.

Maybe Dick died, and Bart's been chasing after nothing this entire time. Or, maybe, Dick is actually a ghost, and he's leaving behind all these signs for Bart to follow so he can go and find Dick's body to bury it.

Even better, Wally's the ghost, and he's the one who's been putting up the signs.

Kid Flash scoffs from where he leans against the wall.

"You're nuts."

Bart agrees full heartedly.


	98. Chapter 98

He has to keep walking. He needs to find Dick.

Still, Bart's so tired. He can barely stand.

His mind feels heavy, and the world is spinning. Bart's pretty sure he's going to pass out. He can barely see the words on this page anymore, and his hand is slipping as he writes, so he ca


	99. Chapter 99

Bart wakes up to a beeping that is so incredibly dull and boring, it's almost destiny that it's his heartbeat. He then realizes what this means and shoots up from his bed, gasping. Kid Flash clicks his tongue together from where he leans (he's _always_ leaning!) against the wall, shaking his head.

"Great job, Champ. Managed to land yourself in a hospital for almost starving to death."

His grin is feral, and the next words out of his mouth rip Bart to shreds.

" _Wally would be proud."_

Bart lurches from the room right then and there, knocking the doctors on the way into his room to the floor and ripping the I.V. bags from their hook. He runs and runs, and Kid Flash follows and laughs.

Bart finally stops in an alleyway and falls to his knees. He can't run from this.

He puts his hands to his ears and screams.


	100. Chapter 100

It's a dark and ashy day. Rain clouds the size of a nightmare were headed their way, and you could hear the steady thunderclaps in the distance if you really shut your eyes and listened. That isn't a very smart idea, though, since if you were caught slacking, then punishment was inevitable.

Bart's been in the camps for a while. He's a collared kid. He knows the drill. They all do.

But, Wally doesn't. Because Wally's a fighter, not a collared kid. And Wally hates rain because he says that the clouds crying is just something that's too sad to see. Wally is a symbol of hope, and being stuck in a camp is not on his agenda for the next forever.

So he sits down. And he waits. He watches. He is silent.

Bart stares from afar, also silent.

The entire affair has people stopping in their tracks to watch this redhead directly disobey an oppressive regime to sit down and stare down all his enemies. Other people get the gist of it. They like freedom. They like warriors. They like rebelling.

They join Wally in sitting down.

He smiles at each one of them. He turns to wink at Bart.

Bart does not sit down. His legs are made of jello. Any second now he will collapse into a pile of goop on the floor. Even then he won't be sitting down.

Bart is a collared kid. Not a freedom fighter.

Bart doesn't even register Blue Beetle being there until he is actually two feet away from Wally. Wally, who turns up to glare defiantly at him, as though to say "What are you going to do about it?"

Bart begins to shake. His teeth rattle. His Adam's apple rushes up and down.

Wally is completely still. Defiant.

And, Blue Beetle does the weirdest thing. He reaches down, grabs Wally up by the collar of his shirt, and tears the inhibitor collar from his neck. Everyone stares flabbergasted at this, including Bart, who doesn't know what just happened. Even Wally seems taken aback. He stares up at Blue Beetle, then down at his hands.

It's only when they've been standing like this for about two hours that it finally clicks.

Wally is withering away. His skin is shrinking in on his bones. His eyes are popping out of his skull. His stomach is devouring him. With a fast metabolism and no inhibitor collar to stop his body from running off without his mind, Wally is finished.

He's starving himself to death.

He is so helpless. Wally can't move. He can only feel his stomach eat up his thighs and his arms and his legs. He doesn't try to run. He doesn't try to get out. He knows this is the end, brutal and painful as it may be. Wally's going out in a blaze of glory big enough to burn bright for both he and Artemis as well.

Wally eventually stops moving altogether. Blue Beetle drops him to the floor like he's an old toy and leaves him there to soak in the rain. Around him, people move to get back to work. Another death, another day. Another day, another death. It's easier when you don't know the person.

Bart just stares.

There are words that he wants to fall out, but they don't make any sense to his brain. He wants to scream and yell and shove Blue Beetle down to the floor.

But he can't. So he doesn't. He is silent.

And the worst part is knowing he could have done something, but instead stared into the abyss without stepping inside. He watched his loved one die without a word. Not a peep from his mouth. Wally didn't even spare him a second glance.

He can't even walk over to Wally's body. His legs aren't working properly. Neither is anything else in the world.

Nothing is working for Wally anymore.

Bart deals with this like he deals with everything else important in his life. Like he handles every single problem that comes running his way.

He turns around and walks away.

He doesn't spare a look back. Not even a glance.

Bart Allen is nothing without Wally West.

It all makes sense now.


	101. Chapter 101

"I can't believe you would do that to him."

Bart rocks back and forth on the balls of his feet. His back arches over and he bites his lip so hard it begins to bleed. He curls in on himself. Kid Flash snarls as he lowers himself to Bart's level. He's so above him.

"You feeling guilty yet? Because, you deserve it. Not _only_ did you not save him even though you were _perfectly_ _capable_ of doing so, but you had the _audacity_ to _walk away_? Talk about pathetic, Bart. You deserve _everything_ that's coming your way."

Each word jumps into his skin and carves a jagged scar into his being. Kid Flash is so angry. Bart finds that he can no longer breathe. His eyes are falling from their sockets. His tongue is numb in his mouth. He shakes.

" _I didn't know._ " he whispers, still pitifully trying to defend himself. There's no running from this. It's his fault, he knows this. Kid Flash is right. He's always right. Bart didn't _do_ anything. He didn't even _think_ to do anything.

Kid Flash scoffs. "It's your fault, Bart. All your fault."

"My fault," Bart whispers, "All my fault."

Kid Flash nods. "You killed Wally, Kid. Both times. I hope you're fucking proud, 'cause I can tell you now that he's not. You killed him. That's all on you."

"I killed him. I killed him. I killed him."

He repeats this mantra, because maybe it's the only thing that will be able to save him. There's nothing grounding him anymore. Not even the scar. He puts more force on his hands, on his ears. Maybe he can push so hard, he won't be able to hear anything anymore.

Kid Flash's voice keeps him grounded. Kid Flash knows. Kid Flash _knows_.

"And don't you ever forget that. Maybe we should just lay here until you really do starve to death. Poetic justice, right? I think there's a pretty good chance you could find a gun somewhere around here, yeah? Does a bullet to the brain even make up for what you did to him?"

Bart swallows. His hands grip at the dirt beneath him, grime slipping under his fingernails and into his bloodstream. He feels heavy. He feels tired. He's slipping.

Kid Flash brings him back.

" _Yoo hoo!_ Bringer of pain and destruction! Come on! Anybody in there?"

Something snaps.

Bart whips his head up, eyes filled with lightning and thunder worth years of pain and torture and destruction. He balls his hands into fists. He stands up and points a finger at Kid Flash, anger shooting from it's tip.

For the first time in a long time, he speaks and his words have meaning.

"SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP!"

Kid Flash throws his head back and laughs.

"Are we _really_ going to make a scene now, Bart? Do you think that's what _Wally_ would want-"

"You don't know a _fucking thing_ about him." Bart seethes, "Shut your trap. _You_ don't know. _You_ couldn't _ever_ know what I felt then. You don't know what I've _been through._ "

Kid Flash's eyes narrow. "Are you going to do this? You're the one who killed him Bart, not me. I wasn't there, remember? I don't know. It's _your fault_ that-"

"Stop. It's not my fault."

Kid Flash's eyebrow arches all the way up. He laughs.

"Oh _really_?"

"Wally was the one who decided to risk his life. Both times. He's the one who chose to sit down. He's the one who chose to run. His life, his choice. You can hold me accountable because I was too afraid to do anything. I'll take the blame for that. But it's not my fault he died. It never has been, and it never will be."

Kid Flash opens his mouth to speak. Bart decides he's not going to let him.

"I've allowed you to make me believe that it's my fault for so long. Not even that. I've allowed _myself_ to take all the blame for all these years. It's not my fault. It's not Wally's. It's not Blue's. It's nobodies. It happened because it happened. That's all there is to it. I can't take the blame anymore. Or it will kill me."

"It should!" Kid Flash hisses, taking a step closer to Bart. He reaches his hands out and shoves Bart back a few steps. Bart does not fall down. Kid Flash is rocking now. His teeth are chattering and his pupils are dilated. "It should kill you, because that's what you deserve! After all this time, you can't just change your mind about that! This isn't a happily ever after! This isn't the way it's ending for us! Wally's _dead_. There's _nothing_ you can do to change that."

Bart nods his head. Because, he _knows_. " _That's_ the entire point. Wally's dead and gone. I can't change that. Neither can Dick. Neither can Artemis. I've been holding it all in, because I was afraid if I let it out, I would be breaking some sort of rule. The royal ballroom that was holding us? The floor has cracked and we all tumbled through. The throne is broken. The court is adjourned. There's no fixing this."

Bart begins to breathe.

"You're right. There's no happy ending for me. There's no getting over this. It'll always be there. But, I can't let it hurt me anymore. I can't let it steal my name. Bart Allen is nothing because he doesn't want to _be_ anything. I'm lost because I let myself be. I'm looking for something that's been inside of me this entire time. And, all I had to do was let it go. So, I'm going to try to do that."

Kid Flash simmers with rage. His face is red. His lips are pale.

"You can't!" he shrieks.

"No, you just don't want me to. And you're not real. You're another part of me I've been allowing to hurt my insides. You and Impulse...you're _not_ me. I didn't kill Impulse. You're wrong. I let him go. I set him free, because I was holding him down."

"NO!" Kid Flash screams, and it comes out as a soft whisper on the winds that slip through Bart's spine in a cold motion. Bart ignores the tingling in his hands.

"I don't think it's your fault. I don't think I can blame you. I created you. You're a manifestation of my own subliminal consciousness. You're not real."

"NONONONONONONONO-"

Kid Flash is so close. Bart's entire body fills with a relentless lightning. He can smell his breath on his cheek. He can feel the burning in his heart. Bart squeezes his eyes shut.

"I think I'm holding you down, KF. I think I'm going to have to let you go."

The sudden silence is deafening. Bart opens his eyes to a new world. One where his every thought and move isn't haunted by a death from years ago and a yellow-clad nightmare who follows him every step he takes.

His mind is silent. There's no guilt. No Impulse. No Kid Flash. No Wally.

Only Bart.

He's not nothing.

He's never cried for Wally. Never cried for himself. Not once. He's never allowed himself to. It's only now that he lets himself fall to the floor and weep. For Impulse. For Kid Flash. For Wally. For Artemis. For Jaime. For all the people he's let down or left behind. For the world whose beauty allows him stars and clouds and swings.

But mostly for himself.

He's not nothing. He was never nothing.

A beam of sunlight shines down on him through the cracks in his core, and the empty shell of nothingness burns away in it's light.

Bart begins to grow.


	102. Chapter 102

After a storm, everything is always a little soggy. When you step out, there are tree branches and leaves littered about the place. There's a damp smell in the air around you. When you go to take a step forward, the ground below you is wet and covered with slimy, sticky worms.

It's not too pretty.

But, there is light. There is warmth.

And, slowly but surely, things begin to grow again.


	103. Chapter 103

Bart is not okay.

He's never been okay. There's no point in even pretending that he ever was at all. Not on Dinah's crazy-cloud pills. Not with Artemis. Not back with Jaime.

Bart is not okay. But, he wants to be okay.

He thinks the first step is admitting that.


	104. Chapter 104

Bart figures there's no point in turning back now. He's made it this far, so why should he? Even though things are beginning to resolve and heal. Even though he doesn't feel obliged to go and find him, Bart decides he is still going to run the final stretch and get to Dick.

And, sure, it's going to be hard. They're not going to walk back hand in hand together. Artemis isn't going to be one hundred percent okay, and neither is Dick nor Bart. But, Bart wants them to try to get better. He doesn't know what that word really means to him yet, but he does know he wants to heal.

The sogginess and dampness of the air around him is beginning to dry out.

It's beginning.


	105. Chapter 105

Bart is still getting used to the silence.

It's like he's discovered this special place in his mind, just for him. And it's quiet and cool and peaceful. There is no static. No electricity or ringing in his ears. But, at the same time, there's not nothing either. There's something. Bart just doesn't have the words to describe it.

He finds that for most of his life, it's always been a struggle between too quiet and too loud. There's never been a middle, or an even point. Only these two extremes. And, Bart's bounced back and forth between them for years without a moment's rest.

Finally, he finds middle ground. Finally, he can just be and breathe in the moment.

These two extremes aren't weighing him down anymore.


	106. Chapter 106

It takes a while for the words "two extremes" to become "Impulse and Kid Flash" in his mind. But, when they finally do, Bart smiles and cries for awhile. He even laughs a little.

And he says a quick thank you to his old friends for having gotten him this far.

But, he's got it now. They can finally lay their weary minds to rest.


	107. Chapter 107

It's hard to describe a really close relationship, isn't it?

The one he had (note the past tense) with Kid Flash and Impulse doesn't fit into words. Bart can try to describe it, but it won't do it any real justice. Because, it was so much more than just a voice at the back of his mind or a hallucination. You can't just slap a bunch of letters at the back of it and call it "PTSD" or "BPD", because it's not that simple. It never was.

They were real. As real to Bart as anyone else was. They were real and scared and lonely, and each day they found a reason to stay. That was all they had ever wanted to do.

Bart figures what they didn't realize they were doing was killing themselves. Setting themselves up for disaster, because you can't stay if nothing is really grounding you. You slip. You fall off the edge.

Bart was teetering, but Kid Flash and Impulse were already on the other side of the abyss. Bart couldn't reach them. They couldn't reach him. There was always something there.

Impulse tried to cross over, but fell off. Kid Flash built a bridge, but it crumbled before he could fully make it there

If either one of them had reached him, Bart would have succumbed. He'd be dead. No denying that. It's the honest truth.

Kid Flash wasn't just an abusive thought. Impulse wasn't just his childhood personified. They were so much more. Words definitely can't do it justice.

Bart's alive, though. And, parts off them are still there inside of him. Both the good and the bad. He can still feel Impulse's smile and Kid Flash's glower. His memories of them are neither good nor bad. They're a little bit of everything.

Because that's what life is.

Bart's going to live the rest of his life carrying on their legacies as though they were his own. Because, their ideals and emotions deserve to be heard and seen.

He hasn't killed them. He's just...let them go.

And, it honestly feels amazing to just let go.

Bart can't help but wonder why he hasn't done this sooner.


	108. Chapter 108

The funny thing about it is that when he's no longer trying to find Dick, another one of the signs comes up. And then another. And another.

Slowly but surely, they begin to pop up more frequently. Closer together. Until, eventually, Bart is being led on this wild goose chase, tearing after all these signs like maybe he'll find what he wants at the end.

Bart's found what he really wanted. But, Dick's still lost.

Bart can't help but feel bad for him.

So, he decides he's still going to find Dick. Just so he doesn't have to be alone anymore.

Because, being alone is really sad.

Bart is one to know this.


	109. Chapter 109

Bart has the nightmare again.

He's in that same spot. Watching it happen. Watching Wally's eyes shrink and his heart slow until it beats at nothing. There is silence here. No Blue Beetle. No ash. No nothing.

Just him and Wally.

Wally gets up, dead eyes meeting Bart's and searching for something in them. Bart stares back. His throat burns and vibrates. He feels like his heart is going to implode. But, he's not going to allow himself to fall into silence this time. Fall back into this nightmare.

"Why?" Bart asks him.

It's a simple question. Wally's eyes turn from their dead aura to a soft, lively green. His pale, shrunken skin fills and plumps up with life. His smile fills Bart with a sense of hope. Wally walks close, but not close enough to touch.

He's on the other side of the abyss, after all.

He smiles.

"I knew you would need something to push you. To keep you going. I wanted you to be able to see your fighting spirit like I could."

The answer fills Bart with a feeling that he doesn't exactly understand. It's neither good nor bad. It takes a while to realize that it's his spirit floating up and gently nudging his lips, allowing him to finally smile. He nods his head. He doesn't need to reach out to touch Wally. Not anymore.

"Thank you."

Wally smiles again, and turns around. Impulse is calling out to him. The Kid Flash walks over to Impulse, and Bart knows his smile is still present even though he can no longer see it. The two walk off for good, not sparing a second glance back.

Walk off and into the abyss.

Bart shuts his eyes and finally wakes up.


	110. Chapter 110

You get lost sometimes.

The royal chambers you stand in begin to shake and crumble. The throne the King sits upon shatters. His Highness falls to the floor. His crown is stolen.

The Queen flees, but the Jester follows, feeling a duty to his King to keep his lover safe. The Queen is focusing all of her attention on finding someone else. Finding the real Knight in this situation. They all have trouble adjusting to life without a monarch constantly looking over their shoulders.

The Queen falls through the cracks for a little while. The Jester doesn't know if she's made it back.

The Knight is still gone.

It's up to the silly Jester to find him now. The silly Jester wants so badly to become a knight. The unsteadiness in his heart is prominent.

But, he's going to make it.

He'll make it.


	111. Chapter 111

Bart's close.

He can feel it.


	112. Chapter 112

Just a little more.


	113. Chapter 113

There.


	114. Chapter 114

Getting closer to it, Bart realizes that it's a warehouse. And, it's a pretty big one at that. Other than that, it's a pretty normal warehouse. Peeling paint. Greyish, drooping colors. Shed-like appearance.

The massive Nightwing insignia is a huge giveaway.

And, by huge Nightwing insignia, Bart means _huge_. The entire warehouse is the size of Wayne manor. And, the insignia completely covers the front side of it.

Bart doesn't even want to think about how many cans of spray paint Dick had to go through to make this happen. How much time it took…

All for this?

Bart takes a deep breath and heads into the building.

Here we go.


	115. Chapter 115

It's quiet.

Too quiet.


	116. Chapter 116

Bart wants to call out Dick's name, but doesn't at the same time.

He instead glares squarely at a box.

Maybe it'll disappear if he stares long enough.


	117. Chapter 117

There's a gunshot.

Bart sprints behind a box to write this down. He should probably be doing something like calling the police or running away a million miles per second, but he doesn't have a phone and his legs have apparently permanently glued themselves to the floor, so he's not going anywhere.

No running anymore.

His heart beats painfully hard in the pit of his chest.

He's terrified.

Another gunshot goes off. Bart's pretty sure this one flew straight through the box he's hiding behind. It's hard to write anymore, because his hand is shaking and he doesn't know what to do and he's scared shitless. He begins to cry.

He


End file.
